I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
