What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
