just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
