His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm getting married
To pizza
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
