if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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