Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
