i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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