i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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