Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
