If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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