Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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