sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
