I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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