K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
