Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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