Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he was CRYING into my vagina
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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