I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
