She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
