dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
