I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
