I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
