But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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