Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
