i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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