from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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