Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
