why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
