If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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