I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
