God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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