i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
