when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
