End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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