we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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