there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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