then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
