So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
