i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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