So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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