someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
