Even the bartender felt bad for me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
