see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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