our cab driver is having phone sex.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
