so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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