Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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