Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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