I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
