Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
