I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk is not a location!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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