Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I believe in your delicious
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
