and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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