my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
