Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Randomize
