i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
