***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What a dumb baby whore.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
