Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
