This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
