Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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