Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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