Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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